JUNE 14, 2024

Lombok - Surabaya, Surabaya - Kupang

Today is a long travel day for me with lots of airport time. This means quite a bit of THINKING and PONDERING time and unfortunately for you, dear reader, this mean words and not pretty pictures because the WiFi SUCKS and posting pics is NOT an option.

I am going to talk about loneliness, so you may as well start your Netflix binge back up.

Mind dump commence:

I wrote in my journal the other day that while I am used to being alone, I don’t particularly like it. I wrote that in my 20’s it was exciting to be alone, solo traveling. I was more adventurous, more confident and while my resourcefulness wasn’t as refined as it can be now, I was willing to take risks that tested that resourcefulness and ability to pivot. I was also more impatient, reactive, temperamental and angry and did not handle quick changes in situations well at all. Now, I have both the patience and financial security to arrange for as much security and predictability as possible. But when something happens and panic sets in, I want a person. I want to hear their voice, not to fix, but to tell me, “you’ve got this,” and probably say, “I love you.”

What happens now though? I call my loving and responsible daughter and how pathetic that is. She should be calling me. She does not need to be “taking care of” her mother. I want to call her and tell her about the good conversation I just had or the funny story or the turtle I saw in the ocean. I want to share my observations and excitement and positive encounters, I do not want to share my fears, anxieties and break downs. However unfortunate as this is, she is used to it because that’s all I have been for years; a broken mess who has messed up, damaged and destroyed everything. I mean truly…as I write this it’s no wonder I am alone. I mean you cannot help but think that and feel it at my core.

Following travel with my daughter and then a grief retreat with others - this part of the trip has been the most challenging. It has also been the most rewarding BECAUSE I am doing this ALONE, SOLO and all by my big girl self. I have needed this for awhile and it’s a beautiful gift and I feel an awakening and a call from beyond that is powerful and loving. AND yet everyday there is the constant reminder of the fact that I am alone, because literally every meal at the hotel I am asked, “Table for just one?” JUST ONE rings in my head for the rest of the evening until I cry myself to sleep and miss the life I used to have, the life I messed up.

The other constant reminder is that it is only couples and families at all of these hotels. UGH - a reminder of both my singlehood and solo traveler status. Some moments it’s awesome and I feel like a warrior badass, others times I hide in my room so I don’t have to face that question, AGAIN (and get the I-feel-so-sorry-for-her looks). And maybe I shouldn’t mention this, but I have done a fair amount of room hiding. Room service is an awesome invention and so is the mini bar; potato chips and Bitang make for a great dinner. Channeling my Indonesian Olivia (Scandal reference).

It also has to do with how invisible I am. I have heard about this happening to women mid-life and wow it is so true. I am a ghost walking around this earth. It kind of is the way it goes though, if you think about it. Women are invisible if they don’t fit. What does that mean? If you aren’t young, pretty, skinny and then at a certain point if you aren’t married and soon after that if you aren’t a mother and then once you are middle-aged and divorced and menopausal - forget about it!!! You aren’t acknowledged and you are judged. The sociologist in me finds this fascinating and I can observe this out in nature. The middle-aged woman in me finds it disgusting and sad and very painful when it’s happening to you.

As I said, you get the mind dump today.

I’ll spare you anymore and post some pictures!

I made it to Kupang and have an early morning tomorrow as I fly off to Alor. This blog will be on a 10-day hiatus for lack of WiFi. I am sure on my hours of layovers and/or my long-haul flight back to the states, I’ll do a photo dump of the Indonesian Archipelago.

Be well my dears. Take care of your heart and be good to your soul.

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